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83. My circle. #part2
Sunday, June 29, 2014

For days since my last write-up, I have wanted to live up to what I said; about being alive, about being open minded and unafraid of any obstacles I face but so many things kept holding me back, so many things kept refraining me to do things I wanted to and to feel things I wanted to. Then, doesn't this reasoning defeat the purpose of my entire explanation of owning my own life because I wanted to be fearless yet I still pull back? And if these things I wanted to do were choices I could make, choices I could actually pick, why couldn't I just go forth with whatever I felt would make me feel accomplished? I never know.

I have been riding a roller coaster; there are times I feel ecstatic but I have been feeling my absolute lowest the past few weeks, or maybe months. I guess I just started to feel down more often than usual because of the constant disappointment I kept getting from things and people I wish never gave to me in the first place and sometimes, it's not even their fault because they're not even aware of it. Shame really because I know this is not who I am, I know that this is not the person I liked being; someone who has negativity towards others especially to someone special. But, every hurdle I had to go through affected me and the feeling worsened as the days flew by. When the sun is up, I feel normal but when the clock strikes 12 at night, my entire mind goes haywire, like my whole world starts collapsing, like my past and my present are poking through me as though haunting me. I was in a cave I couldn't escape. The last time this madness happened was years ago and I told myself never to go back to this exact point of my life. But here I am. If I could show you a graph of the way I feel these days, it would look sharp.

At night, I could never think with my glasses on because my vision is crystal clear and that was a clash to my clouded thoughts. So as I take off my glasses, my vision is a blur which coincides with my messy train of thoughts and that felt better but in all was still uncertain and unclear. Then, I closed my eyes and in obvious truth, I don't see anything; it's pitch black and all I was doing was grasping all my emotions in, grasping every single thing that I was feeling but in my head, I can see everything I'm feeling perfectly laid out, in which I know that with my eyes open, I cannot see what I feel. Until now, I can never put in to words the spectacle I see when my eyes are shut but I like the darkness because no matter how insane I felt, there was still sanity.

People say that you should surround yourself with a happy environment and with people you love so as to make you feel lighter and good and I do...but no matter how much being around my friends is usually my comfort zone, I still felt that tinged of loneliness. People say that if you talk it out, you feel better and I do...but momentarily, then it all starts accumulating once again and the cycle repeats. I dislike this cycle and desperately wanted to break it and everyday I would try to defeat the anger, the frustration and the sadness I was trapped in but I couldn't. I guess they say that it takes time to heal but it's not about the time at all, it's what I do within that time.

Basically, the main reason I'm writing this is because the past two days, I am slowly getting back the pieces I lost. I felt like myself again although it felt like a different kind of happiness. I would put the blame on the new jeans I bought.....well, who am I kidding, my new jeans contributed to my joy. When I'm with people I love or people in general, I try my best to give out positive energy because they deserve it, they deserve to feel blissful. My sadness should never interfere with anyone around me because I know that it isn't fair. Sometimes I do wish some people would feed off my positive energy back at me, just so I could feel it too, just so it could make me feel worthy. Because I honestly wish I knew how to feed that positive energy to myself.

Today was a different story, I did have people who gave me good vibes, who gave me energy I needed, energy I was craving for and I am deeply thankful for their presence and for being a part of my life. Remember when I quoted "I love first times. I want my whole life to be composed of them. Life is only interesting if life is wide."? Everything about today came in to place perfectly, everything was an experience, everything felt new; like I was reborn, like I was at the starting point again, like my battery was fully recharged waiting to be drained out again. I met new people and the music was mind-blowing and I could laugh again and I could dance again and I could feel the swelling of my heart slowly disappearing. There were tears of absolute joy trickling down my face. I actually had endless stories I could tell. And you know what? I did it, something magical I thought I would never do; sliding down in between the gaps of two escalators. I saw my friends do it and I straight away knew I had to because I always wanted to. If I had held back, I knew I would regret it because it was something simple. But oh man, that adrenaline rush of excitement traveled quickly through the veins of my body and it felt reckless and free like nothing could stop me from doing anything I wanted to. Suddenly, the cave got bigger which meant my life felt wider.

I realize that I don't have to solely rupture the pattern of my own circle, others can help me, either for the bad but mostly for the good. Somehow I know that this happiness I feel may be temporary....

But I feel divine.

See you strangers.

Nidia Marissa Donyada
Design Student, 21

This space will let you immerse in a part my world;
An avid gig goer who sadly spends an immense amount of time on Twitter having peculiar dreams. My mind is filled with overflowing thoughts and questions.

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