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79. I'm sorry! (July 12, 2013)
Friday, July 12, 2013

Hell-oh, sick people!

Happy Ramadan my fellow Muslims!

It has been a long 5 month hiatus and it might still continue as such. I am truly sorry for not updating this space as I know a lot of you want me to post more. So here is an update of what has happened over the last few months.

The last time I posted was on my birthday and I was still in Year 2 and struggling to handle IP (Integrated Project). Honestly, I suffered a lot from it and began second guessing my work and wondering whether design was really for me. I started searching for answers and wanting to get myself back on track instead of lingering in a place in my heart where I started loathing design. I was quiet and I was lost in my own thoughts and didn't feel like myself. I had nothing to say to people and had nothing to share. I loved being alone and I loved immersing myself in my own thoughts.

I truly love design school. After camp, I realised how much I love my school and how much I love the people in it, well, most at least. Last year when my beloved batch of seniors left, I felt a bit of emptiness when I entered a fresh new school year. This year, I felt that same emptiness but this time around, I also realised that I am now a Year 3 student and it is my turn to shine. How time flies, doesn't it? I am 19 and I am a Year 3 student studying Visual Communication and I am going to graduate in about 10 months time. That seriously scares the shit out of me. Where am I going to be in the next 5 years? What do I WANT to do? Where do I envision myself at? I question myself these things everyday. School has been dreadful and a chore. A chore. Finding an SIP spot made me second guess my abilities as a designer, whether I can do it, whether it is made for me. Is my work good enough? Aren't people better than me? I shrug it off. Eventually, I found an answer and that's why I keep fighting, that's why I'm still happily taking the bus to school to attend classes. Doesn't mean I don't dread it though, hah! And for SIP (which is internship), here's my portfolio of my work if anyone is interested: http://cargocollective.com/nm-d

Many things have happened and 2013 is moving quickly. I spend my time going to gigs as usual, spending time with my friends and family and having quality time on my bed and my pillows. I have lacked behind in my drive in exercising but I will get back there soon, hopefully. It was always about balance. I always needed time off other than school. For the past 5 months, I had my beloved beautiful friends plan a surprise party for me in March to have a belated birthday celebration. I was beyond touch and I am happy to have these few people in my life. I don't need many friends, I just need these few to stay and be there for me. Grimes was gorgeous and I still can't believe she guestlisted me to her gig. It was a fabulous night with fabulous music and fabulous friends dancing our sorrows away. Bloc Party was fantastic and 8 years was worth the wait. The crowd was massive and insane and it was another satisfied gig that I went to. I also traveled to Bangkok for the first time and spent too much money on clothes but it was worth it. Jatujak was my favorite. I made sure I made my visit to Bangkok worthwhile because I really do love traveling. I also went to Jakarta and as much as I loathe their traffic, their food is the best. This Will Destroy You was great and catching The Drums for the second time was mind-blowing.

But what had stuck with me for the past 4 to 5 months was watching Running Man. Can you believe it? I was in a huge Korean phase and managed to get my whole family in it too. Actually, that happened a few years back when we all watched K-Drama. But anyway, I realised how to embrace all kinds of culture and music. I love the Koreans and how polite and how much respect they have for their elders. After watching RM, Jaesuk has the kindest heart and I respect him so much, I don't think I have respected anyone as much as I respect him. I also never liked Pop music or K-Pop or anything that wasn't related to indie music. Not that I looked down on it, I just never knew how to like or appreciate that kind of music. But after this phase, I figured out how lame and stupid that was. I love Pop and I love all kinds of music that makes my ear have an orgasm. I learnt how to like Justin Bieber and learnt how to appreciate G-Dragon. G-Dragon guys. Gee Dreh Gun. I finally learnt how to accept all kinds of music and even culture. It was about time. I learnt not to judge too fast and began embracing everything and everyone. I learnt to understand things better. Next stop: Korea. Even my whole family wants to go there.

I lived in my little bubble for a while during my Running Man phase. It was a great distraction from the real world and from what I had been struggling with in school, about life, about design. Like I said above, it was also a phase of liking being alone. I stopped talking and I stopped speaking. I kept quiet for once and I started to hear the voices of people instead of having to be outspoken. I liked to hear people talk, I liked listening, I liked listening carefully, I liked to feel what people felt and go through the process of what it would be like to be them. For once, I could listen and be them, instead of having to listen to myself and build who I am. Even though people kept questioning me and kept asking my about my sudden silence. I guess I never knew what to say, what there was to say, what there was to share and whether there was anything interesting that could come out of my mouth. Maybe that's why I never updated this place. Maybe that's why I started drifting away. I just didn't have things to share. There was nothing that interesting that I felt should even be shared.

I am in a different phase now. Lol. I started reading a series of 3 books that I became emotionally attached to. It's no wonder I rarely read books or rarely watch things that I know I will become obsessed or emotionally attached to. It quite annoys me because I became attached to things that either don't exist, are fictional or something I can't get quite close to in real life. I don't like that feeling of loving something so much, you think about it day and night because of how perfect something can be. Well, this is just me. I scare myself sometimes.

I hope this all made up for my 5 months of absence. I don't know when will be the next time I update but here are things coming up in my schedule: Hari Raya, Internship, FYP (Final Year Project), The XX and many more gigs and lepak days to come. That is all. I love you. Thanks for reading, everyone. Until next time x

If you have any questions: http://ask.fm/drnmd
Also, I'm active on Instagram: http://instagram.com/drnmd

See you strangers.

Nidia Marissa Donyada
Design Student, 21

This space will let you immerse in a part my world;
An avid gig goer who sadly spends an immense amount of time on Twitter having peculiar dreams. My mind is filled with overflowing thoughts and questions.

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