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83. My circle. #part2
Sunday, June 29, 2014

For days since my last write-up, I have wanted to live up to what I said; about being alive, about being open minded and unafraid of any obstacles I face but so many things kept holding me back, so many things kept refraining me to do things I wanted to and to feel things I wanted to. Then, doesn't this reasoning defeat the purpose of my entire explanation of owning my own life because I wanted to be fearless yet I still pull back? And if these things I wanted to do were choices I could make, choices I could actually pick, why couldn't I just go forth with whatever I felt would make me feel accomplished? I never know.

I have been riding a roller coaster; there are times I feel ecstatic but I have been feeling my absolute lowest the past few weeks, or maybe months. I guess I just started to feel down more often than usual because of the constant disappointment I kept getting from things and people I wish never gave to me in the first place and sometimes, it's not even their fault because they're not even aware of it. Shame really because I know this is not who I am, I know that this is not the person I liked being; someone who has negativity towards others especially to someone special. But, every hurdle I had to go through affected me and the feeling worsened as the days flew by. When the sun is up, I feel normal but when the clock strikes 12 at night, my entire mind goes haywire, like my whole world starts collapsing, like my past and my present are poking through me as though haunting me. I was in a cave I couldn't escape. The last time this madness happened was years ago and I told myself never to go back to this exact point of my life. But here I am. If I could show you a graph of the way I feel these days, it would look sharp.

At night, I could never think with my glasses on because my vision is crystal clear and that was a clash to my clouded thoughts. So as I take off my glasses, my vision is a blur which coincides with my messy train of thoughts and that felt better but in all was still uncertain and unclear. Then, I closed my eyes and in obvious truth, I don't see anything; it's pitch black and all I was doing was grasping all my emotions in, grasping every single thing that I was feeling but in my head, I can see everything I'm feeling perfectly laid out, in which I know that with my eyes open, I cannot see what I feel. Until now, I can never put in to words the spectacle I see when my eyes are shut but I like the darkness because no matter how insane I felt, there was still sanity.

People say that you should surround yourself with a happy environment and with people you love so as to make you feel lighter and good and I do...but no matter how much being around my friends is usually my comfort zone, I still felt that tinged of loneliness. People say that if you talk it out, you feel better and I do...but momentarily, then it all starts accumulating once again and the cycle repeats. I dislike this cycle and desperately wanted to break it and everyday I would try to defeat the anger, the frustration and the sadness I was trapped in but I couldn't. I guess they say that it takes time to heal but it's not about the time at all, it's what I do within that time.

Basically, the main reason I'm writing this is because the past two days, I am slowly getting back the pieces I lost. I felt like myself again although it felt like a different kind of happiness. I would put the blame on the new jeans I bought.....well, who am I kidding, my new jeans contributed to my joy. When I'm with people I love or people in general, I try my best to give out positive energy because they deserve it, they deserve to feel blissful. My sadness should never interfere with anyone around me because I know that it isn't fair. Sometimes I do wish some people would feed off my positive energy back at me, just so I could feel it too, just so it could make me feel worthy. Because I honestly wish I knew how to feed that positive energy to myself.

Today was a different story, I did have people who gave me good vibes, who gave me energy I needed, energy I was craving for and I am deeply thankful for their presence and for being a part of my life. Remember when I quoted "I love first times. I want my whole life to be composed of them. Life is only interesting if life is wide."? Everything about today came in to place perfectly, everything was an experience, everything felt new; like I was reborn, like I was at the starting point again, like my battery was fully recharged waiting to be drained out again. I met new people and the music was mind-blowing and I could laugh again and I could dance again and I could feel the swelling of my heart slowly disappearing. There were tears of absolute joy trickling down my face. I actually had endless stories I could tell. And you know what? I did it, something magical I thought I would never do; sliding down in between the gaps of two escalators. I saw my friends do it and I straight away knew I had to because I always wanted to. If I had held back, I knew I would regret it because it was something simple. But oh man, that adrenaline rush of excitement traveled quickly through the veins of my body and it felt reckless and free like nothing could stop me from doing anything I wanted to. Suddenly, the cave got bigger which meant my life felt wider.

I realize that I don't have to solely rupture the pattern of my own circle, others can help me, either for the bad but mostly for the good. Somehow I know that this happiness I feel may be temporary....

But I feel divine.

See you strangers.

82. My circle.
Friday, June 6, 2014

Often I find myself lost in this massive world after I have graduated. I couldn't understand the concept of having to immediately work, of having to find something productive to do. For days I had no drive, I was clueless and the future was a blurry mess. I did not know who I was, I had no thought of what there is I could be. I was stuck in my room, in my mind, a cave; spilling thoughts and questions I had no answers to. I had something in me that wanted to escape, that wanted to be free that I didn't know what nor how to unleash.

I have always thought I was open minded, someone who could understand various things, someone who wouldn't judge as much as the people around me would; or rather this particular society. Somehow, I still needed a kick; a kick out of self-prison, of so much trap that I was feeling that I never had a chance to crack. I wanted to be free, I wanted to explore, I wanted to have experience, I wanted to live. I know that I can go for it, but there was always something pulling me back, like a knot tied around my waist to a tree refraining me from moving forward even if I tried to run as fast as I could. Either that, or I was just purely lazy. I desperately wanted to find meaning in something; anything at all.

Rarely have I found something that I could be so emotionally attached to, not because I couldn't but because I don't want to and I never liked having to feel that. I have friends who traveled or they smoked up and finally found what they were looking for. For me, I recently watched a movie that changed my entire view on life and on people in general and especially on this new age and this generation that I currently live in and also in myself...in which I believe many people will find immensely stupid. Your life changed because of a movie? But really. Sometimes I discover a song or a movie or a good read and all I want to do is to talk and talk and talk about it and go on and on and on about all my rapid thoughts about it not once, not twice but constantly just because I had to, because there is so much to say about it but sadly, never have I been able to find one person to do it with. Actually, I did. She listened and I was thankful to have gotten what I wanted to say out of my system, even if it was momentarily. I hope what I said and still have to say will be of your interest; any of you reading.

I was having a perfectly normal Sunday and by normal I meant things were stagnant as usual. I suddenly became instantly inspired by almost everything I had watched in Kill Your Darlings. I found this fascination with the way of life from the minds of everyone that first started the Beat Generation. Yeats were part of their likings. This idea; the circle of life and how with every death comes rebirth. "Life is round, that we're stuck on this wheel of living and dying. An endless circle until someone breaks it. You walked in here. You ruptured the pattern. Bang. The whole world gets wider." How were they able to be so reckless and not think about the consequences afterwards? I wished I had that; to do what I wanted to do and not think whether I would succeed or fail. But I realised that was a way for them to make a name out of themselves; even a simple vicious mistake came the birth of Beat, and would that birth meant something if not for that simple mistake? They had a story, and more stories afterwards they were able to share, that they could share, that they wrote, that they documented. I have been reading some of their books and the words they used flowed perfectly, it all made sense, it all created a scenic image in my head and I understood it all perfectly. They hopped around, they hitched, they had $50 in hand for months to survive wandering around the country and survived they did. Happily. $50 now would mean food for 2 days. Times has changed, for good and bad. Though what was so different about the 1940s/1950s and now; the 21st century? What was it that put a red light to freedom?

I went out of the house the next day and found my eyes wide open, constantly batting my eyes and observing the movement of the crowd, the expressions of everybody around me, of the fast paced environment I was walking through while listening to a song that coincided with the situation perfectly. All this while I hadn't noticed that everyone seemed to have something to do, some place to be, someone to meet, someone to talk to. Then I sat in the train on my way to a certain area in town I had always gone to to pass time. Normally my mind would linger as I find a seat to sit on the train and I let my mind wander off itself. On my train journey this time, it was different. I was wide awake, alive. I was observant and kept noticing the smallest things and I couldn't help but acknowledge that one thing that made everything, the whole world good but also tremendously wrong. Technology.

We focused on machines, on technology because we believed that it would make the world a better place. Things were meant to be simpler, it was supposed to get easier and on most side of it, it certainly has. In the film, Beat broke in to the library and they almost got caught but never did. With technology now, they would have gotten caught. Hell, I would slide down the gap between the escalators if I could if there hadn't been a camera pointing towards me, all plastered at every corner. Something fun could be something frowned upon. Pity. The only thing technology has hindered the most is communication between human beings. Real communication. Talk. Spoken words. And physical contact gets lesser and lesser. I guess everyone seemingly likes to say it's a small world, that we are all connected via mutual friends but it's only a small world because social media isn't a trouble to access. We know each other. I know you and you know me but it takes so much to get to know somebody. Don't you get it? We're a generation of shy and introvert people no matter how much of an extrovert we are. In this time of age, we are generally afraid of walking up to converse with someone new, someone who looks interesting enough to talk to, someone who could potentially excite your life, anyone really.

I came to conclusion, there is nothing special about this generation. Every decade, it seemed there was always a spark, something worth remembering, be it in literature, in music and especially in fashion. What about the 2000s? My friend said, "Will people really listen to Lady Gaga in 50 years time like how people still listen to the legendary The Beatles?" It may not be a fair comparison but you get the point. Many people have reminded me, "If we are all different, aren't we the same? If so, how do we put a mark on this world that everyone will remember?" Who will do it this time? Who is this generation's genius? How can I be one? How can you be one?

But I learnt to embrace what I have now. I may yearn to live in the past when there was minimal technology but what I have now in the present is beautiful as it is. The lifestyle I have consists of music and drinking tea and catching up with good 'ol friends; always up for a good time. Now is good. It's really good.

They said "I love first times. I want my whole life to be composed of them. Life is only interesting if life is wide." Beginnings. Constant beginnings. New experience after new experience after new ones. Be open, wide open, your mind, your heart, everything even with the restrictions you keep pondering upon. There is still so much to learn because there is always something to learn about. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to hide. I want to be there; in the moment. I want to live. Because I have options. I have a choice. This circle of life; it's mine. I can rupture the pattern and my world will get wider; and then the cycle is new. This is my wheel. This is my circle.

I think I finally found my answers.

See you strangers.



Nidia Marissa Donyada
Design Student, 21

This space will let you immerse in a part my world;
An avid gig goer who sadly spends an immense amount of time on Twitter having peculiar dreams. My mind is filled with overflowing thoughts and questions.

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