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84. 2k15 already?
Wednesday, December 31, 2014

It is very surreal to be posting here again after 6 months and to have it fly by so quickly is a very scary thought because it felt like yesterday that I was writing about my circle. Before I know it, 2015 will come to an end in a blink of an eye and I do not want to be in my current position and that is what I fear the most. In the past 6 months, I vaguely remember anything. I don't remember anything. I never thought I would have to read about my circle again only to realise that I am still stubbornly in that state of discomfort, of terror, of unhappiness, of unwillingness to break out of my cave. I knew It was possible to feel a tinge of happiness but it was always temporary so there are so many things I would do just to feel absolutely divine again. I was so inspired, I was so excited to live life with no fear, with no sadness, with crazy adrenaline rush but it all disappeared rapidly. Too rapid. But I still want it, I crave for it but I don't know where to begin. So where did all that time go? What did I do within that time that I promised myself to do? Where was that extra push in me that I had? What happened to first times? What is this misery I keep falling back to? And how do I get out of it?

I couldn't take not being able to feel what I wanted to feel because of the fact that I keep questioning everything I felt, whether I was allowed to feel that way, whether it was right to feel that way and in the end because of those voices in my head, I felt helpless and even then, I'd question it. Is it okay to feel so low, so undeniably pathetic? Is that normal? And I had never been able to talk to people about it because it never seemed like the right time to do so, it never seemed interesting enough, it never seemed like I could even explain anything. The explanation was empty, the explanation is never there when I needed it to be, therefore there was no explanation. It was all in my head, all in my head, all in my head. So I never speak of it. I let things pass only to come back to it; a full circle that haunts me, that destroys me and I still, still desperately, so desperately want and need to get out of it, to rupture the pattern that I had set for myself. I no longer wanted this.

Remember when I said that we're a generation of shy and introvert people no matter how much of an extrovert we can be? At least in the past 6 months, I know one thing's for sure is that I've met people of various characters, of different determinations and will in them and I had always envied the amount of passion and drive they had in them. I love meeting new people and I want to continue discovering them; new faces and familiar faces that I'd like to get to know, that I always knew but never had a decent conversation with. I wish I had the courage to go up to someone I wanted to figure out and talk to them, but somehow, in this fast-paced world, it becomes tremendously difficult. Honestly, I've always hated people in general, yet I am so fascinated with them; with their stories, their vision, their mentality, their views and opinions. I wanted to be in the world they are in, to feel all the emotions they are feeling, to see their perspectives of things just so that I could broaden my own. I wanted to embrace them as human beings, as a person who is so different from me yet so peculiarly similar. I wondered what it'd be like to be in someone else's mind, just to know what they're feeling, just to know what goes on in their head at 2am in the morning, at 3am, at 4am, wide awake, unable to fall asleep. So I wish there was someone I could talk to, I really wish it was easier to get to know someone but it's not, because I know if someone were to ever want to get to know me, I'd pull away.

I guess I'm still finding my answers, or rather I'll always continue to find answers. The wheel I've built will always be there with that same exact pattern that constantly needs to be ruptured and I hope one day, I get to rebuild it. This year was nothing special, it was bland but I had my fair share of fun and excitement. My circle has made it's full 360 degree turn and I'm back to square one. I still don't know what I want, who I am, where I'm going in the future. I've lived 20 years and I'm still lost and clueless. But despite being lost in my own world having to try and find myself, to find out who I really am, at least I was aware that I had to do this, at least this year taught me something; that I needed to continue searching myself. The end of 2014 is still dark but I still like the darkness for the same reason, that no matter how insane I felt, there was still sanity. There is still sanity in me. There is still sanity.

I want this new year to be better, to be a year I take charge of, a year I take better care and control of. I just want to be better. I just want to feel more. I just want to feel better.

So long, see you tomorrow, in 2015, strangers.

Thanks for 2014.

Nidia Marissa Donyada
Design Student, 20

This space will let you immerse in a part my world;
An avid gig goer who sadly spends an immense amount of time on Twitter having peculiar dreams. My mind is filled with overflowing thoughts and questions.

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