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85. Wait a minute, 2k16?
Tuesday, December 8, 2015

And when I said that 2015 would end in a blink of an eye, I was right. I remember 2014 like it was just yesterday. I remember everything I wrote in my previous write-up and the previous one as well. I have honestly lost touch of myself, of many things about myself. I do not do the things that I used to do. I do not feel the things that I used to feel. I do not yearn for the things I used to want. I do not listen to what my heart desires. And most of this is a good thing but some of these things saddens me. I guess that's okay. Though, I still head out feeling one thing the same as last time for sure; that I am uncertain of where I will end up being at and that will forever scare me.

For quite some time, the idea of death has been haunting me. The fire in my head goes round in circles, like a loop, like a wheel of kaleidoscope. And who knows, maybe my circle caught fire and it came crashing down and everything at the back of my head crumbles. Then I crumble and I can't crumble, it's not possible for me to crumble, I am so not allowed to crumble but my head does it anyway and my mind does. And I'm tired. And I'm frustrated. And my tolerance is low. And my patience is weary. There's always going to be that resistance in me that I can't quite fathom, that I don't understand. I am too afraid of many things. I am still in a cage that I cannot escape. I'm still in ice I cannot break. My body is there but my mind is not. And I fear. I just continue to fear. And I do not know what I fear. I really don't know. I just...fear.

I struggle. I struggle at being the best for myself. I struggle to understand my ability to be destined for greatness. I used to struggle to push forward and I kept living in the past and sleep in the past and remember the past. But now I forget the past like how I forget what day it is. Now, I push forward until I am uncertain of where to go because I'm in a fuckin' maze. I go in and I don't go out. And I'm back to square one; I'm still in the struggle.

Despite my load of bullshit, I went through 2015 with moments I know I will cherish. I know there will be moments I remember that I don't wish to remember and only do when I'm in the shower with the water running unaware I have finished cleaning up myself. I know the people who I thought were worth it actually don't make me feel good inside at all. I know I do not love these people as much as I used to and that if I ever left, I have no regrets. But this year, I found out things about myself that I didn't before, I tried new things I never knew I had in me to try, let alone have the opportunity to do, I found out which people are worth keeping and which aren't worth my damn time anymore. The best part is I found someone worth fighting for and I love him more than my heart can take. So he just might be the only one I am certain of.

At the end of every year, of every chapter I go through, or every time I get inspired to write something new, or old, or new and old, there will always be never-ending unanswered questions.

I mean, most of the time whatever life offers is good anyway even if some of it aren't the best. That's okay right? The uncertainty I feel is okay right? I guess everything will always end up alright. It's always going to be alright.

See you when we're inside 2016.

Nidia Marissa Donyada
Design Student, 21

This space will let you immerse in a part my world;
An avid gig goer who sadly spends an immense amount of time on Twitter having peculiar dreams. My mind is filled with overflowing thoughts and questions.

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